You all know Liz from Say Yes to Hoboken. Well she tweeted the other day that her two year-old broke her beautiful lamp (seen below, available at Overstock) and she wanted to know if she should replace it. Would it just get broken again, and end up being a waste of money?
I told her that I would replace the lamp if I were her (and affix it to her table with industrial-strength velcro). But I’m a decorator and probably care more about this sort of stuff than the normal person might. Plus, I have girls (and girly girls, at that), and I have a feeling they are much easier on my house than little boys might be.
Anyway, the situation made me start thinking about the old saying “You can’t have kids AND nice stuff.”
Recently a woman introduced herself to me and said she loves reading my blog for the pretty pictures. Then she said she doesn’t actually decorate her house now because she still has young kids at home. Her pretty things were boxed up for “someday” and her floors and walls were bare. She told me her story all matter-of-fact – like, of course my walls would be bare, I have kids.
Should we just give in and face the fact that our houses are going to be dirty and trashed and undecorated until the kids are in college? Or do we decorate with Raoul and Spitzmiller and then freak on the kids when the inevitable happens?
Do we buy the lamp a second time?
In our house, I try to shoot for a balance between kid-friendly and inexpensive things (that I don’t care about it they get ruined) and then a few special things that I talk to my girls about and set rules for. And then I take a chill pill when those things get messed with on occasion.
What do you think, readers? I’d really love your opinion here for something I’ve got brewing on my back burner. We’ll call it market research.
A big part of parenting is teaching kids boundaries so yes you should be able to have nice things while you have kids. My kids are young, very young (2, 18 months and a newborn-yes I know I'm crazy) but I still have nice things. You have to be reasonable and put breakables out of reach or secure them when you design your room. Its also a learning/teaching tool. Kids should learn how to treat things so they don't destroy them and learn their value. We have 3 rules my kids are working on learning in our house- Don't hurt others, Don't hurt things and don't hurt yourself. Kids learn things very quickly. In fact it was my husband who knocked over a figurine and broke it and not one of my toddlers!
This isn't a dress rehearsal and I would velcro that lamp down! I have 4 kids ~ 3 boys, 9,7,5 and 1 girl ~ 1.5. I never put my nice things away when my oldest was born (except coffee table breakables for safety) and they grew up with the things on the wall and in the house. Now, my good needlepoint rug is in my bedroom and not my family room anymore and I buy Sam's Club rugs that are replaceable. Just like they can't learn to sit in a restaurant if you never sit at a table at home, they can't appreciate and respect objects if you don't teach them at home. It has never been an issue at our house.
Sure you can have nice things – they just have do be inexpensive or washable! My very expensive, very irreplaceable collection of Inuit sculpture is kept on the top shelf of my office built-in bookshelves, and my priceless heirloom China is kept in lock cabinets. Everything else is replaceable (or easy to remove crayon from, inclding the television).
I have had five children and have always collected bone china and crystal glass and my breakages have always been minimal.I now have 18 grandchildren and the same applies. Children surrounded by beautiful things learn to appreciate them from an early age -just a gentle prompting and sharing of pleasure is all they need.
I have two very hyper little boys. They are 4 and 2. I still decorate and I love it. I do have limits. Like on the coffee table…well there is nothing on it. Due to it usually being a race track or a diving board. Also on the table in our den (where we spend the most time) I also do not have much. But I am looking for stuff to put on them that isn't breakable. Since they run into the all the time. I think if decorating makes you happy you should most definitely decorate. Because you will end up resenting the kids if you do not. But when you decorate be reasonable about what you put at their level.
I always incorporated the nice things in our home as our three kids were growing up even though I understood they were a huge depreciation factor. I had several broken items – a Frederick Cooper lamp that you can still see the crack where I glued it back together and a newly upholstered sofa(Waverly fabric) that got damaged in a mustard war!
The good news is that after the "accidents" there were always lessons learned and lots of discussions about taking care of things in our home.
My kids are all grown but I hope by make our home as nice as it could be was a learning experience for them too.
Children who live with beauty and finer things learn to appreciate them. We have had our fair share of breakages, but making mistakes or happy little accidents are all part of learning. That one incident just may radiate a career.
Boundaries are good, but exposure is even better. Serve on the good china and taste new things!
Life is to be lived with love and laughter.
pve
Well, I have made a few changes with my two year old extra active little boy. But, not alot. I keep my eye on him. I don't use tableclothes or runners. And I have a microfiber sofa and durable jute rugs. But, I try not to buy anything too precious that I will be destroyed if it gets broken. He has broken one thing that I recall, and it was a small apothecary jar, an antique. I probably will glue it back. That being said, I have put my antique and new mercury glass collection behind glass for now. We talk about "pretties" and the one finger rule. Sometimes it gets the best of him and he will bring me something that he isn't supposed to touch…. I think he thinks he won't get in trouble if he brings it to me.
we definitely have furniture that we like, and i buy things for the house all the time, even with a 2 and 4 yr old, and i have for the past few years. the phase where they are around 9 months-2 i kept breakables out of the way, simply because i didn't want the kids getting hurt, but things are replaceable and they are just things…. stylistically when i had kids i switched to a more casual look with painted and distressed furniture mixed with a bit of modern, so that there really wasn't anything they can damage. if a dresser that is antique and painted gets a ding in it, oh well- it adds to the charm!! and i agree with what rachel said- you have to teach kids boundaries and right and wrong. if you don't teach them, then you're in trouble!!!
I don't have kids, but I've always wondered about this myself. Growing up my mom always decorated and had nice things and there were just rules set. I think it's important to have things you love in your home with or without kids. Things will get broken, it just happens and then you deal.
I completely agree with you Jenny! I have nice things out, but I also have my refinished craiglist finds that still look nice, but were not much money. I agree with other readers that kids need to be taught to respect their home and things.
I think, definitely have the nice things, and teach your kids to respect them. And try not to freak out too much if they get messed up. Now, with that said, there's a Dash & Albert rug that I am dying to have, but don't want mashed up baby foods, spit up, and heaven knows what else to end up on. Soooo, maybe there's a balance?
I didn't start decorating our home (besides art on the walls) until after I began reading your blog a few years ago. My mother always kept her pretties she had found abroad boxed up because of worrying about those pb&j fingers from her children, and that's no fun! I was inspired by your postings about using indoor/outdoor fabric. And kids need rules and expectations. Laurel knows that food stays in the dining room or the kitchen and that she should wash her hands after eating. So not too much worry about the sticky fingers. She got a major time out once after running into our bedroom and getting chocolate on our white comforter…but you know, it's washable. I keep framed photos on low tables in the living room, and she knows not to manhandle them too much – but I love when she carefully picks up our wedding photos and looks at them up close. I actually have indoor/outdoor fabric on our couch's accent pillows just because mommy and daddy are exempt from the no food in the living area after the kids are in bed and I didn't want to be responsible for drips or dribbles! I fantasize about having a Dash and Albert indoor/outdoor rug in our living area (they are so comfortable!), but for now I have a cheapie from Target that's comfortable for little knees and hands.
I do not have children, but I believe your home should always reflect a style that makes you happy. I hope I can find that balance one day when I have littles.
Our home is decorated– but not as accessorized as it will be when my bulldozer of a toddler is older. We have a mix of very inexpensive thrifted furnishings mixed with antiques, and we have art up everywhere. My kids (both boys)so touch some things I wish they wouldn't, but we rarely have anything broken. I balance by not putting breakables on surfaces they can reach– no lamps on side tables, no accessories on the coffee table, etc. We have a white velvet sofa (the same as yours, actually.) I've found you can wash the covers– who knew? Lots of other things are slipcovered. I don't use really expensive fabric anywhere, because that would really pain me if it got ruined, but I make my own pillows and drapes, so if there is an "oops" I can replace it without worrying about it. Truthfully, I think raising children in a beautiful and thoughtfully put together environment is a real gift to them– it teaches them to appreciate beautiful things, and to learn how to control their bodies a little bit in nice places.
Totally agree with you, Jen. You can still decorate and have nice things out, as long as there's boundaries and you have reasonable expectations with your kids about them. We love all of the nick nacks and pictures we've accumulated while we've traveled abroad and so I have them out for everyone to see. Most of them are out of reach of my two-year old, but some of them aren't and he knows not to play with them.
I have seen this situation and I think what ends up happening is you have gone so long not decorating that you never so it. And I think that no matter how old your kids are if they don't learn to respect your things then they never will no matter there age. I like to have nice things. I don't spend a fortune on them and try to keep things out of reach as much as possible. Things get broken but not very often and most times are accidents. I spend way too much time in my home to not enjoy the space that we live in. Plus I think your home can be a reflection of yourself that I want it to be a place that is nice, comfortable and welcoming!
We just had this conversation this weekend. My mom always had her things out. I have things out and so does my sister. My nephew has learned in 22 months what is ok for him to touch and what isn't. Something to consider is that your children will go to other people's homes that may have things on their side tables and coffee tables. While children may be curious about the new things, they'll be less likely to have their hands all over everything if they've learned at home that those things aren't for them.
First off, you and your girls are beautiful! What a wonderful picture.
Secondly, I think you've got to make your house your house. Ultimately, they are the kids and are not in charge :) I try to strike a balance by buying most of our furniture second-hand or from Craigslist so that if it does get ruined, I didn't pay a fortune for it. Do I put all of my accessories away? No. I just tell them over (and over) again not to touch it. And, eventually, they lose interest (usually). I would be totally depressed if I thought I had to wait 10 years to decorate my home the way I want it.
I agree with you 100% Your home needs to be a haven– it is hard to achieve this when it is not visually appealing.
My mother-in-law is the type of person who freaks out over ANYTHING being messed up. It drives me nuts. She surrounds herself with things that are practical – and only that. While I love to have practical pieces in my home, I cannot function without beauty surrounding me. I'm not a decorator nor do I pretend to know what I'm doing, but I do know that my life is so much happier with beautiful pieces of furniture and art and even kitchen gadgets. So I would definitely replace the lamp. I would definitely buy something that made me happy – but not terribly expensive things. I'm very frugal with what I buy, so I would definitely take that into account, especially with little ones. Go for what makes you happy and feel at peace in your own home!
Jenny- my policy is a lot like yours. I enjoyed seeing you and your three girls, amazing how different they all look.
We are in the process right now of decorating a new home. I love to decorate, so there is no way that I would leave everything blank and bare. With my boys, who are 5 and 4, I realize that I have to be realistic when I decorate. Right now I might not get the most expensive dining table that I really really love just because I know it could end up with marker all over it. But I still want a nice dining table that with not only be functional for our family, but look nice too. Anyway, I think you can totally decorate with kids, but take the precautions necessary as well.
While I was reading this, Bennett knocked over a lamp. Ha ha. But I don't decorate because I don't know how, not because I'm afraid of the kids hurting anything. Jenny, I can't believe your girls. They are so beautiful and they're growing up so much. I miss you guys. Has it been two years or what? That's too long!
My mother always said if you take the doily off the table the child will never learn to leave it alone.
So… decorate.
thanks for this post!!!
I'm due in 4 weeks with my first and everyone's told me "get rid of all these decorations/throw pillows/breakable things/etc because they'll NEVER last now! And it's pretty darn frustrating…
Mostly because my mom did a great job decorating our house as kids – we just knew we'd be in trouble if we ruined one of her nicer things (similar to your style I think).
It made us appreciate nice things, and we even wanted to keep our rooms clean as kids because that's what mom did – took pride in her rooms (aka the house)!
Also we went to other people's houses and once I commented "the whole house is like a play room, cool!" and I distinctly recall mom saying "not cool, Emily", and then I realized that actual adults lived there too and truly understood it even from a young age!
YES you can decorate well with young kids. Don't expect everything to be flawless, expect to clean up a couple times a day, and the rare thing to be ruined or broken, but don't underestimate your children – they can be taught after all!
Yes, you can. My kids have learned to take care of the things we have, which is a good lesson in general… Plus, I waited a long time for a home, should I have to put the dream of making our home beautiful another many years? No…Janell
I think your approach is smart. It's definitely not easy… there's been broken things in our house and it's never been intentional and though it's hard to loose something beautiful, I try to remember that my son is the most precious, beautiful thing in my life! There's always more stuff to be had, besides, sometimes I have trouble editing so a few broken things can be a blessing in disguise.
When my kids were little I moved the crystal up a few shelves and left more "hardy" things still in their reach but they learned not to touch those and if they did and it fell it didn't break. And like Rachel said my husband has broke more things than my kids have.
Love seeing that photo of you with your precious girls! I agree with your approach completely. Although, I have no children YET…but a crazy dog!
This is an ongoing issue for me because in “my perfect” world I would like the house to be pretty all the time. When my first two were little I kept most of the nice things out. Now that my fifth daughter is a toddler I don’t have the time or energy to worry if everything is perfect. I also believe that yes, you can set boundaries but you cannot expect kids to act like adults. Also, I want my children’s friends to be able to play here without me being the furniture police.
You inspired me to write a blog post along these lines! = )
I do think you can have beautiful things and have kids! It's about teaching children to respect their surroundings. Sure, my house might not always be picked up and spotless but I can trust that my daughter isn't going to destroy any of my furniture or accessories. Accidents happen and you can't get upset when they do but there's no need to have bare walls and an empty house to suit your children!
It's always seemed to me that if I don't have nice things out (including some breakables), then my little people (boys, 4 and 1) won't get to learn boundaries about no touching, etc. And it makes visiting friends and family who keep their china, silver, antiques, etc. out relatively pain-free. They don't have to child-proof for us, and we don't spend the whole visit saying "no."
So, yes, buy the lamp again, and carry on through the smudges and mishaps.
I would hope that my kids only enhanced my surroundings, not limit them.
We have gorgeous finger paintings framed and hung among "real" artists work. Our couches are upholstered in durable and easy to wash fabrics. But the couch is the same couch I would have purchased sans children.
I want my children to love where they live and be proud of their surroundings. They know we have a beautiful home and that I expect them to help keep it nice. Sure there are the occasional days when gogurt finds itself painted all over a door, or playdo gets smooshed into expensive wool carpets. But I would much rather have playdo in a beautiful carpet than a bare and inpersonal home.
Set some boundaries. Both Mom and kids will be happier.
We still have an old set of black leather sofa & chair for the reason that the kids ( 3 & 1.5) might ruin the new fabric covered furniture. Walls are not wallpapered ( however one CAN use washable) just painted, no accesories within their reach. I'd wait another couple years – then start beautifying our house with more detail and nicer things. I think its possible to do it to some extend, but there are definitely limits.You have to be more creative when it comes to decorating kid-friendly home.
I agree with what Rachel (the first response) said. My mother had one hard and fast rule when we were growing up that I like to think back to often. It was, "no red kool-aid in the den". Very good advice in general.
when someone saw me struggling in church with my son, she told me it was time to put away the big earring and to focus on mothering. i told her, i can't focus on mothering without being heidi. i had the title of heidi first. and i still wear my big earrings and high heels. and i am happy. i don't believe you can teach your children to take care of things when they have full run of the house. reverence should be taught at home and at church.
Any info on the tag sale?
Beautiful picture! Don't keep things boxed away because of kids! I so agree with Green Gracie Home that this is not a dress rehearsal! Having said that, I also know there are some special things that should stay out of reach. When my three were really young, my budget dictated a little more what I had, but whatever I did have that brought me joy was out. Kids have to learn limits, and they do if you teach them.
Thanks for this post! My MIL just brought this up last week, since I started redecorating our house, and said that "now is not the time to decorate", because of my active little 19 month old boy. I know she meant well for her 1st grandchild's safety,so I just smiled and said nothing. I will continue to decorate and make our home beautiful, but will be practical in doing so at the same time. Kids will always be curious and will try to touch anything and everything, so it's up to us parents to find solutions so all will be happy (and safe!). I would buy the lamp again, if It truly makes me happy, but I would definitely make sure to secure it – add the industrial velcro or simply move it to a new location.
I think you can absolutely have nice things amongst little cherubs running around! I strive to create a home that is both comfortable and meaningful, lending itself to be a complete expression of our family. That being said, I think it comes down to placement of "breakables", knowing full well that things do happen. I have two very active young boys, but they understand what they can and can't do (i.e. throwing balls in the house, horsing around on the staircase, etc.). I love being surrounded by beautiful things, and I know my family has come to appreciate nice things, as well. More than anything, it is my hope our boys come to appreciate their lives growing up, surrounded by fond memories and a comfortable place they can always come home to.
I received some advice from a antiques expert who suggested that you have your kids polishing the silver, dusting the lamps,(basically having to take care of the antiques and that would instill an appreciation for them.) Haven't attempted that one yet, though. I think the best advice is to make sensible purchases, don't buy anything too precious, and personally I love things that look a little scuffed and worn and develop a patina over time, especially since I have a 9 year old and a very very active 4 year old!
My mom was always very proud of the fact that she could keep a tidy, decorated house with small children. My sister and I were well trained. There were rules, simple as that. I have a child of my own, a boy, and he is rambunctious. Thankfully he has not broken a thing.
I would definitely go ahead and buy the lamp, or take this as a sign and maybe get something else to change things up. Having children is not a sacrifice, but a personal choice. I actually named my blog: style-ing with children. Because I believe that children benefit from being surrounded by beauty, their senses develop through what they see, hear, smell and experience. Living your life to the fullest (ie decorating :) is one of the ways to develop a sense of aesthetic in your little ones. And I find that the more we stress the higher the change of things going awry. So stop worrying about that lamp/chair/vase. Just make sure they don't hurt themselves if something breaks. And the rest is just L-I-F-E! and its awesome.
You decorate and set boundaries….
That is a great question! I think certain rules have to be in place from the beginning (I don't ever allow food anywhere but in the kitchen, and no dogs on the furniture). My kids are a little older now so it's a bit easier, although still toys/electronics to find a spot for! And I have tried to teach them to pick up after themselves and we have a weekly scheduled cleaning day where they each get a list and go at it. Between the three of us, we can have a whole house done in just 2 or 3 hours!
Pleeezzeee with 'setting boudaries'. For toddlers? As a mom of two boys, I can tell you those boundaries will be broken and so will all of your stuff. Boys live to destruct–far more than most girls. When my boys were small, our living areas looked like we were 1/2 moved out–most everything had been broken (often by visiting little friends). Once they hit 5, things were completely different and I started decorating again.
I was raised in a household of 5 kids, boys and girls, and my Mother loved to decorate. We had very nice things, and we were expected to take care of our house. As a compromise, my Mom had a play room for us that could be as messy as we wanted, and my Mom could simply shut the door when we had company over. Our rooms were primarily used for sleeping in, and the family areas of our home were for gathering together and spending the majority of our time. I have two girls and am on a student budget so I don't have anthing that really costs a lot right now, but I do have things I have upholstered myself and things that mean a lot to me that I don't want chocolate hands or slobber on. I have talked to the girls about things we are careful with and things that we can be more rough with. One thing that made me happy was recently pulling out my yellow pottery barn dishes from my hutch {they are the closest thing I have to china Ü} and we've been using them to eat dinner on and setting the table really nice for just regular dinners. I say you enjoy life NOW with the things you have that you like, instead of boxing things up. You never know what will happen and whatever stage you are in, whether it's student poor like me or more established.
Yes, you can, and I do. I have two young boys and a husband that throw balls in the house, wrestle, play tag, swing light sabers, etc. I have antiques in every room, even their bedrooms. But I also have perspective. Life is short, I like to live with pretty things b/c they make me happy, but a comfortable home that my family can enjoy makes me happier and at the end of the day nice things are nice, but ultimately they are just THINGS. If something were to happen (and it has and will) you just chalk it up the imperfections to life. If something carried incredible sentimental value I would keep it out of harms way until they are old enough. Sorry for such a long commnet, it appears I am not alone. :)